


Abutting, Dismantling

by VeryTinyMeow



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Angst and Feels, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Mutual Pining, all aboard the sad time train!, theres a happy ending but its not here yet u_u
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:15:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29501868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VeryTinyMeow/pseuds/VeryTinyMeow
Summary: The day of devotion is coming up and Leo wants to tell Niles how he feels. Who knows how it will go!!!:)For Leoniles weekend, Yay!
Relationships: Leon | Leo/Zero | Niles
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	Abutting, Dismantling

“It’s just a day like any other.” Leo tried to justify to his sisters while nursing his cup of tea. His sisters, Elise and Camilla, sat across from him at a small tea table. A few biscuits were scattered about a platter. The favorites were already picked out, leaving the less desirables behind. Leo reached out for one of them and nibbled at it. 

“I never really cared for it… The Day of Devotion, as you know… but it's a good day to show appreciation to those who are important in your life.”

Elise grinned into her cup, Leo didn’t like that. He could already tell that her imagination was flying off into a fantasy land of the implications of their talk. Camilla’s expression didn’t tell much of what she thought, though her smile was warm. Leo was both comforted and a little unsettled by it.

“So do you have a special someone this year? That’ll be a first.” Elise grinned, leaning over her tea and nearly dipping the end of her bow into it. Camilla quietly moved the tea out of danger.

“I’m quite curious as well, I’ve had my suspicions.” 

“It’s not anything like that.” Leo sighed. He was lying, of course. It was just like that. And maybe they knew, but he wasn’t ready to tell them. He’d never live it down if his advances were rejected and they knew. He leaned back in his chair, remaining calm and composed. “This day is not only for romantic gestures, but to show love for friends and family as well. I’ve been getting gifts for you and corrin all this time have I not?” He smiled casually as he set down his cup.

“Ugh you’re so boring Leo.” Elise crossed her arms and slumped back, a pout on her round face. She seemed to buy into his little white lie. It was true after-all. The day was meant to celebrate all kinds of love. Camilla simply nodded, and took a sip from her cup. 

“So why did you bring it up if there is nothing special?” 

“Well I was thinking of getting something for Niles to show my appreciation this year. And Odin too, of course. They’re both incredibly important to me as both retainers and friends.” 

“I see.” Camilla spoke softly, setting down her cup to refill it. “A simple box of sweets would probably do. Everyone appreciates those.”

Leo paused to think. “But that's so… expected. And ordinary.”

As he thought, Camilla gestured to her siblings with the pot, and both nudged their cups forward for a refill. Elise immediately spooned in a few generous heaps of sugar, then put some into Leo’s, who quickly withdrew his cup with a displeased frown.

“Oh come on Leo, I know you like it. It's just us, you don’t have to pretend.” she rolled her eyes at him. “You’re so weird.”

“And you’re so childish.” Leo cut, and Elise glared. 

Camilla ignored their childish little spat and continued without missing a beat. 

“Is that not special enough for Niles?”

She definitely knew. Or she had a strong suspicion that he wanted to remain a suspicion.

“And Odin as well, I’d like a gift for them both.” 

She nodded, adjusting her legs in her seat. “Right right. Well I always give Beruka and Selena some flowers for their rooms, some special soaps for the baths and a treat suited to their preference.” she turned her gaze to Elise, “What do you do for Arthur and Effie?”

“I love to give gifts all year long. I don’t wait for special occasions!” She chirped proudly, “Of course, for special occasions I make the gifts extra special!” She gestured with her hands as she spoke, as if trying to conjure up images of her gifts. “Last holiday, I tried baking Effie and Arthur some cookies!”

“The year you almost burned the kitchen down because you asked Felicia to help you,” Leo added.

Elise continued without missing a beat, immune to Leo’s playful jab. “ Yeah! After that Effie an’ Arthur decided to help out. We didn’t burn down the kitchen that time! Arthur only burnt himself protecting me.”

Leo considered giving them the day off to mess around in the kitchen. But wouldn't it just be like cooking duty? He frowned, unimpressed. 

Suddenly, their conversation was interrupted by a knock on the door, followed by Effie poking her head in. 

“Lady Elise, it’s time for your violin lesson.”

“Noooo! Not violin already!” Elise stretched her arms into the air and flailed her feet in front of her, before hopping out of her chair. Although she didn’t resist leaving, she did drag her feet as she neatly piled up her dishes and tucked in her chair. 

“Let’s have tea again soon okay.” 

Leo and Camilla nodded in agreement and she turned towards the door. She pouted one last time in their direction before she left. The door closed with a soft click behind her. Her energy in the little parlour was immediately missed. Leo could immediately feel Camillas gaze on him, and he tried not to show that it unnerved him slightly. 

She sat her cup down and picked up a biscuit, crumbling a piece off between her fingers before popping it into her mouth. She looked at him, and he felt like she saw right through him. He had to turn away, and picked up a biscuit of his own to look busy with.

“It's alright if you don’t want to share with us,” Camilla said, catching Leo off guard with her soft tone. “ You like to keep your cards close to you, we all do, save for Elise. But I don’t think you need help with a gift. No, I think you’re looking for reassurance.” She smiled at him, brushing the hair over her eye back the slightest bit.

His throat felt dry, and he wished someone would knock on the door to excuse him too, although he could just excuse himself…

“Niles is quite fond of you Leo, Odin is too, of course.”

“Of course…” Leo quietly repeated. 

They drank their cold tea and lingered a few more moments in silence. Leo’s head swirled with anxious thoughts, about how Camilla knew, about how he felt like a coward for being unable to tell her, how foolish he felt falling for his own retainer, and every other thing wrong with him his brain could find to pile onto him in this peculiar moment of mental weakness. He was better than this, he’d worked so hard to not let his emotions get the better of him and yet here he was, completely overwhelmed.

“Oh come here.” Camilla set down her cup and stood up, motioning for Leo to come to her side. She held out her arms, which Leo obediently stepped into for a hug. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him as close to her as possible. Her purple hair, scented like warm lavender cascaded around his shoulder. The tension is his shoulders slipped away as he sheepishly accepted his elder sister's comfort. 

He always forgot how nice hugs were. The solid contact, the warmth. For a moment he wished it was Niles, and he felt heat creep up his cheeks for having such an embarrassing thought while in the embrace of his sister. 

As if she could sense his shame, she began to slowly stroke his hair.

“You’ve grown up so fast, I can’t remember the last time you let me hold you like this. You must be quite rattled by this gift ordeal.”

He hated to admit it, but nodded in agreement.

“There there, “ She gently untangled herself and placed her hands firmly on Leo’s shoulders so she could look him in the eyes.

“Letting him know what he means to you is a good start. Letting both of them know, I mean. There’s no need for a grand gesture, but it's easier to figure out what is appropriate when you know where everyone stands.” She smiled, and Leo did his best to match it.

She stepped back, allowing Leo to have his space again. He wanted another hug, but dared not to ask for more attention. He already felt he’d been given too much.

“You’ll feel better when you know as well. I know I did.”

Leo barely had a moment to process the implications of Camilla’s statement before she said her goodbyes and left him alone in the room. He groaned, both comforted and frustrated by her private pep talk. Was it a pep talk? It was something, of which he was both grateful and confused by.

\----------------------------------------------------

In the weeks that lead up to the Day of Devotion, one would think that Niles being Leo's retainer would provide endless opportunities for him to try and say something to him. To say Anything of importance regarding his feelings. But the moment was never right. Or at least that is what Leo told himself as yet another moment slipped through his fingers. I’ll say something the next time.... He thought, steeling himself instead of giving into his despair.

His next opportunity came a few days later. It was yet another late night in his study, he and Niles were alone. Again, as they often were.

He sat at his desk, pretending to read about agriculture practices in far off lands. But he’d been on the same page for minutes, or maybe even hours as far as Leo could tell. His mind screamed at him to talk to Niles, to just do something, anything besides pretending like there were no snakes of anxiety writhing around his stomach.

All he needed to do was to say a few words, words like; you’re important to me Niles. You’re my most trusted retainer, my dearest friend… would you mind calling me Leo when we’re alone. What are your opinions about lord and liege relationships? I said you’re my dearest friend, but you’re actually more than that. 

He scrunched his eyes and hoped Niles wasn't looking at him. The festivities were only a week away. Leo had made no progress at even hinting at a confession. In fact he’d opted for spending time with Odin over Niles because it gave him much needed mental clarity, that unfortunately evaporated as soon as he and Niles were in the same room, such as now.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by Niles carefully pulling the book out from under his nose. 

“Niles!” he protested with furrowed brows. “I was reading that.”

“Of course you were. Much slower than usual though. Like barely reading at all slow. I made it through more pages than you in the past hour and I read like a snail compared to you. I think you need a break.” He placed a slip of paper between the pages, and set the book down out of Leo’s reach.

It made Leo feel both head over heels and irritable that Niles could so easily tell he was struggling with something as simple as reading. He was off the mark about the reason behind it, but still, he knew him well enough to innately tell that something was not right.

“And who are you to decide that I need a break.” Leo puffed.

Niles leaned on his desk, and it took everything Leo had in him not to stare at how the deep cut of his shirt displayed his chest instead of glare at his good eye.

“As your dutiful retainer, it is my sworn duty to keep you safe from the harm of enemies, as well as the harm of not getting enough rest. There’s no need to stay up late reading if you can’t even manage to read. You’ll get bags under your eyes. You don’t want to end up with an ugly face like me.”

‘But your face is beautiful. All of you is beautiful.’ Leo wanted to say.

“I’ll decide for myself if I want to get ugly eyes or not.” Leo said.

He internally cursed himself for his childishness despite his age. He was too old to be such a brat, and yet in all of his 18 years of life, when he was tired and frustrated, he couldn’t seem to stop himself.

Niles was of course, completely used to his little outbursts. Sometimes they were an unwelcome window to needle him. Thankfully, this time he didn’t seem interested in teasing his flustered prince. 

“If you insist, but can’t I tempt you with a cup of warm tea in your warm bed. It sounds much better doesn't it?”

Leo didn’t want warm tea in his bed, he wanted a warm Niles. The thought alone caused his cheeks to heat up and he turned away in shameful embarrassment. He wished desperately to stop thinking like this. Why were there not any potions to make oneself immune to these useless feelings.

“I’ll take some tea.”

“Good. Come on now, Milord.”

Niles offered his hand to help Leo up, and Leo took advantage of the moment to hold his hand a little longer than necessary, feigning the extent of his tiredness. Niles made sure Leo was steady on his feet with a hand on his back, before stepping aside completely and leaving him longing.

They walked in silence to his chambers, then Niles parted ways with him to prepare the tea, as well as give Leo some privacy to change into his night clothes. He slipped out of his current clothing and into some warm cotton pants and a button up nightshirt. While he waited for Niles to return, he fussed in front of his mirror, deciding if Niles would notice if he intentionally left some buttons undone at the top.

He settled for two undone buttons, not showing off too much, but showing a modest amount of skin. He leaned in and studied the shadows across his chest and wondered if Niles would like what he saw. It wasn’t that impressive to him.

There was a knock on the door as Niles announced his arrival from the other side. Leo froze in front of the mirror, second guessing his choices but not having the time to do anything about it. He picked up his hair brush and busied himself with pretending he was midway through his hair brushing routine. Luckily for him, Niles didn’t pay him much attention as he made his way to Leo’s nightstand.

The cups clinked as he set them down, and Leo noticed that he’d brought two. He smiled to himself, happy that Niles would stay for tea tonight. He didn’t always, but he’d began staying without being asked more often after Leo kept prattling at him to stop bringing only one tea cup. Evening tea is better with someone else. It was awkward when he just stood around.

“I’ve got the camomile this time, the one with the dried berries and the rose petals. They said it helps you have a restful sleep.” He paused, “ You seem like you’re working hard lately, and quite often with Odin. He’s a handful, you need a good night's rest.”

There was a tinge of concern in his voice that made Leo’s heart feel like someone reached in his chest to grip it. He set down his brush and made his way towards his bed. Niles peeled back the blankets for him, and folded them over his lap when he got settled.

Niles looked him over and Leo remembered how he left the buttons undone. He took a breath, hoping his incredibly observant retainer wouldn’t notice. But of course he noticed.

“You’ll catch a cold like that, and that certainly won’t do.” He said simply as he buttoned them up. Leo tried to study his face, to try and capture any emotion he might show. If there was anything, he hid it better than Leo did. He was a little crestfallen, but decided to set it aside.

Niles handed him his cup of tea with an easy smile. Leo gently took it from him, letting the warmth from the cup seep into his hands. He took a sip, and it was sweet. He never told Niles that he liked his tea sweet, but somewhere along the way, he’d figure it out. Leo took another sip and wished that Niles would figure out how he felt.

In this moment he remembered Camillas words from a few weeks back. He should tell Niles how he feels so he could know what to do. 

Suddenly his heart was racing.

He should tell Niles how he feels.

But how-

“Are you alright, Milord?” Niles spoke softly, and his concern was very apparent in his expression. It made Leo feel like he was on fire. He didn’t know what to do.

“Have you ever been in love before?” he blurted awkwardly.

Niles' one eye went wide with surprise and he laughed, deep and rumbly. “Why are you asking that? It sounds like something Corrin or Elise would want to know.”

Leo saw a window of opportunity and took it.

“They did. They asked me first, actually, but I didn’t know. I said I’d ask you.” it was just a little white lie that kept his nerves in check.

Niles sighed in relief. “You can’t scare me like that, I thought someone poisoned the tea when you froze like that.”

There the feeling was again, the crushing one in his chest.

“They really really wanted to know and I was debating if it was appropriate to ask.” Leo danced around the truth again.

“Well,” Niles scratched at his chin, brow furrowed in thought. “I’m afraid the answer is quite boring. Although, I do have plenty of stories of lust that will have them pink from their heads to their toes. I can’t imagine you trying to relay them.”

The way Niles looked at him...Leo laughed to ease his nerves.

“So your love was boring then? I’m sure they would still find it quite interesting. What kind of person falls in love with you, and what kind would you fall for in return. Even the simplest story is fairytale fodder to them”

He wanted to know the type of person Niles loved. Would that person be anything like him. Did he stand any chance at having a space in his heart. If he knew, maybe he’d have the courage to say how he felt. 

“I’m sorry to disappoint them, but I don’t think I’ve ever been in love.”

“Really? No one at all?”

Leo was a bit surprised. Niles swirled the tea in his cup, his face was unreadable as he thought. It looked like he was making a genuine effort of this, or at least putting on a convincing show. Leo appreciated that he at least seemed to be taking his questions seriously.

“Apologies for being crude, milord, but all I'm good for in this respect is making love. To actually love someone. I don’t know if I know what that is… after all this time, I don’t think I even deserve it... As I said, it's unfortunately not exciting, nor does it make for a good for a fairy tale. My life is more suited to be a cautionary tale.”

Leo’s little search for information put him in a more desperate state than before. His longing became stronger, deeper, more desperate even, yet his fear remained steadfast. 

He wasn't sure if he knew what love was himself, but he was fairly certain that’s what he felt for Niles. And Niles deserved it. If no one else would step up to do it, then it must fall to him.

“Bit of a downer before bed, my apologies again, milord. I could tell you one of those indecent tales to pass on. I’ll keep it friendly for Elise, don’t want Effie coming after me again.” Niles grinned. His mask was back in place. He was seemingly carefree and unbothered once again. 

“That won’t be necessary. I’ll just tell them it’s a secret.”

Niles shrugged and reached out for Leo’s empty cup.   
“Probably for the best. It’s too uncouth for you anyways. Would you like anymore?”

“No, that chamomile is doing its job, you’re dismissed for the night. Thank you for the tea and conversation.” 

Leo yawned behind his hand and shuffled deeper under the covers. Sleep tugged at his eyelids, and his heart was heavy with anxiety, mixed with Niles words. Niles moved across the room blowing out the different candles that lit his room and casting it into deeper darkness. He saved the one nearest to the door for last, but made sure to say good night and he blew out the candle closest to his bed.

“Sweet dreams Milord.”

Leo hummed a goodnight like sound. The sound of Niles footsteps grew farther away, the darkness already pulling him into sleep. But he couldn't sleep yet, not until he said at least one truthful thing to Niles. Niles had told him the truth, it wasn’t fair to not share any of his own cards.

“Niles.” He managed to say loud enough for Niles to hear. Hes footsteps grew louder

“Yes?”

The last candle flickered behind Niles, casting his face entirely in shadow. Maybe it was better for Leo to not see his face right now.

“I think you deserve love.”

There was a long pause, then Niles sighed.

“Maybe. But I’m not counting on it. It’s alright, you don't have to feel bad for me.”

Leo wanted to say more, but didn’t know what to say. Maybe he should bear his soul right then and there…but it was too late. The last candle was blown out and his room was plunged into darkness. Leo was barely awake as it was. He didn’t hear the door click closed

\------------

Leo's sleepy outburst haunted him over the next week.All he wanted was to tell Niles the whole truth of how he felt. Corrin and Elise didn’t actually care, it was only him. He cared. As if subconsciously punishing himself for his half truth, he now kept waking up every morning disoriented from dreams where he told Niles the depths of his feelings. In these dreams they embraced and kissed tenderly like new lovers. It felt so good to say it, and then he woke up and none of it was real. It’d be better not to sleep at all.

On the morning of the festivities, he was blessed with dreamless sleep. Usually he had trouble waking up in the morning, but this morning he couldn’t wait to get out of bed. It’s not that he was excited for the holiday. No, he was ready for it to be over. Ignoring the chill, he hopped out of bed and over to his desk, where two parcels were wrapped neatly in different colored cloth. A small thin box was wrapped in deep midnight blue for Niles, and a larger book sized box was wrapped in sunrise yellow for Odin. He’d got them both gifts that were not really romantic in nature. 

He did want to show his appreciation to both of them as friends of course, and so there was nothing romantic about the gifts he's gathered, or so he’d hoped. There was a letter to accompany each gift. Originally there was only one for Niles, but midway through his sleepless night, he thought it was strange to not have one for Odin, and so by the dim flicker of candlelight, he carefully penned another. 

Although there were not any official castle celebrations, the Day of Devotion was always a busy one. Leo’s day was filled to the brim. First there was tea time with his sisters where they exchanged gifts as they always did. That was pleasant, but it was followed by far too much socializing with the suitorless ladies of their court, all of whom had gifts for Leo as they tried to get closer to him. He accepted all of them of course, with courteous smiles and polite nods. He had gifts for them too. He always had some roses and treats in exchange for those given to him.

In the blink of an eye, the day passed by, and he was back in his room, anxiously pacing its length as he waited for his retainers to come by. He’d asked them to stop by after they finished their dinner. He was too nervous to eat and excused himself early. His nerves were one thing, but the way Camilla had looked at him as if she was waiting to see what he was going to do was too much.

A boisterous knock on the door, pulled him from his musings. That was Odin’s knock. 

“Come in.”

His door creaked and Odin stepped in, followed by Niles.

Leo swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. It was now or never, he mused.

“As you know, today is the Day of Devotion.”

“Yes, the day when affection flows freely in the air, charged like infernal lightning, intoxicating and exhilarating! The day to bear the secret and not so secret love shrouded in the mists of one's heart” Odin acted out the flow of the affection in the air with his hands.

“It's not the only thing charging into the air, flowing freely” Niles added.

Leo pinched the bridge of his nose while Odin tried to figure out what kind of innuendo he conjured. Leo wasn’t in the mood for their shenanigans, he just wanted to get this over with so he could be left alone.

“That’s enough you two.”

He turned to his desk and picked up his gifts. He looked over them for a moment, hesitating one last time before committing to his task. When he spoke, he hoped they could not hear the tremor he felt in his voice. 

“Today is also a day to show appreciation for those in your life you care deeply about. It need not be romantic, but it could be.”

He accidentally let his gaze settle on Niles, and quickly turned to look at Odin as well. He cleared his throat and hoped the light was too dim for them to see the blush he felt in his cheeks.

“I mean these are not, you’re both my trusted retainers, and also trusted friends. I got you some gifts to show that appreciation. Please take them and enjoy them in your rooms.”

Niles cocked his eyebrow as a devilish grin appeared on his face. Leo caught his accidental innuendo too late.

“N-not like that Niles.” the prince stuttered, a rarity from him. “They are not gifts like that.”

Niles pouted in mock disappointment. Odin stifled a giggle as he pieced together the implications.

Exasperated, Leo entrusted the gifts to their owners and sent them off on their way. Odin beamed as he shooed him out of his room, eyes somehow sparkling in the dark as he held his gift close to heart. 

“I’ll cherish this blessing bestowed upon me, and let it be known that I will strike back with a gift of my own, twice and grand and magnificent than whatever it is you’ve given to me!”

Niles toyed with the gift in his hands as he followed behind their exuberant partner. He looked Leo directly in the eyes, and Leo tried to decipher what the other man was thinking. As always, he couldn’t tell. Niles smiled his casual lopsided smile. 

“I’ll cherish it too. Thanks milord.”

“Yes yes, you’re both very welcome, now go. I’ve had a long day and I’m tired.”

They left without further events. Leo slid down the door, utterly exhausted. He sat there, listening to their boots click down the hall as he waited for his heart to slow.

It was finally done. As anxious as he felt, it was a relief to finally do something about all of these feelings. It was a little cowardly to do it by letter and send him off after, but, if Niles was to reject him, he wanted a full night’s rest first. Yes. He’d worry about this in the morning. 

He’ll get up, crawl into bed, and hopefully have a night of dreamless sleep, and maybe in the morning, he won’t have woken up to making a huge mistake. A flawless plan, he thought as he nodded off, still sitting on the cold stone floor leaning back against his door.

\------------------------------------------------------

Niles sat on his bed as he looked over his gifts from Leo one more time.

Next to him, the box that was wrapped so carefully in blue had been opened. A fine brown leather eyepatch was nestled inside. It was a little plain except for a peculiar copper marking on the front, a four pointed star. But that was the extent of it’s flashiness.

He plucked it from the box to take another look at it. It seemed simple, but the feel of the leather and the quality of the craftsmanship were obvious when he held it in his hands. He rubbed his finger along the back and brought it up to his eye. It felt soft, comfortable, and almost too good for him. It was a more suitable gift than his other other one.

Niles groaned, setting the gift back down into its box and slouching into his hands. He peered through the side of his good eye to Leo’s letter on his other side.

“What am I to do with you.” he spoke softly to the emptiness of his room.

He picked the letter up and laid back, carefully scanning the contents one more time before placing it down over his chest. 

Leo had confessed, and from the sound of his lord’s words in the letter, he wasn’t sure how Niles felt about him. He made it abundantly clear that Niles need not force anything he was uncomfortable with, and should Niles not feel the same, he hoped they could continue as if this had never happened. He’d written him two letters if fact, one without the confession, so that they could just conveniently ignore the other one. ‘Burn the embarrassment,’ were his exact words.

Of course Niles would not burn the letter. He felt the same, but hearing that their feelings were mutual gave him no feelings of joy or relief, only a growing knot of dread. How sweet of Leo to write, but, he would have to tell him no.

He’d tell him no and keep the letter just to remember in the years to come that at one time his prince loved him. His prince with a bright future that did not include Niles, an ill advised suitor. He’d given Leo enough trouble as a retainer, he couldn't bear dragging his name further by being romantically involved. Being a retainer was perfect, as close as he could be without jeopardizing that future.

Niles told himself that this was enough. If he said it enough, surely he could smother out these irresponsible feelings. Soon enough he would believe this was the right choice.

He made his way to his desk where he already had parchment ready to write his reply. 

“I’m sorry I cannot return your feelings.  
Yours in every other way, Niles.” 

It was already late by now, but Niles slipped into his boots and pulled his cloak over his shoulders to slip his response under Leo’s door.

He stood outside of Leo’s door with a heart heavy like stone and considered giving it to him in person but… it was late, and he’d save them both the awkward situation of trying to talk about it. Leo was strong… He’d get over it in due time. Niles didn’t know love but he did know pain, and most pains stopped hurting eventually. That or they faded until they were no more than an occasional inconvenience. 

He slipped his key into the lock but found it was not locked. That was peculiar. What was even more peculiar was when he pushed on the door, it resisted. Carefully, he inched it open further, wide enough to get his head through. It was a surprise to see Leo curled up in the corner between the door and the wall. He must have been beyond tired if this didn’t wake him. It felt like the air had been sucked out of the room, because suddenly it was difficult for Niles to breathe. It was like guilt had taken up the space in his lungs where air should be. 

As uncomfortable as the situation was, he pushed his feelings aside as he silently slipped into the room, closing the door gently to avoid waking his liege. He tried not to think about Leo’s feelings as he walked the letter to his desk. He tried to not think about how good Leo felt in his arms as he carefully scooped him up off the floor.

He was still dressed in his evening clothes and cold to the touch. Leo instinctively clung closer to him when Niles had him in his arms. It wasn’t anything new, he’d always done this when he took him home from the library late at night. He’d wrap his arms around him and nuzzle into his neck, seeking out the warmth Niles’ provided. It was usually something Niles looked forward to. It was bittersweet, which was about the level of sweetness Niles deemed acceptable for someone such as him. 

It didn’t feel bittersweet tonight. No.. it felt outright like poison trying to erode his resolve to do what he knew was best for them both.

He made it to Leo’s bed and pulled the covers back so he could tuck Leo in. He tried to do it gently, but after a long day, he’d used all of his energy. Leo was no child, he was a man and he was heavy when he was asleep. Between the darkness of the room and his own exhaustion, Niles lost his footing at the edge of the bed and toppled over with Leo into the sheets.

Leo woke, groggy and disoriented, while Niles shot out and back to the edge of the bed like a cat that slipped into a tub of water. He became tense with adrenaline from the moment.

“Apologies milord. You were sleeping in the doorway, I, lost my balance, I-” 

“I assume you’ve read my letter.” Leo spoke plainly. There was scarcely any light in his room, but just enough moonlight filtered in where he could make out half of his face.

Niles swallowed.

“I did. I’ve written you something in return.” he turned slightly towards Leo’s desk. “ I could bring it to you if you’d like..”

“No need. Thank you for bringing me to bed. I can always depend on you, and I’ll continue to do so. Please get some rest, you’re dismissed.”

They both wordlessly understood the implications. Surely if Niles was to return Leo’s feelings, he’d be in the bed too, or at least sitting on the edge of it so they could discuss what is next for them. But there was nothing to discuss. They would continue on like usual. Leo seemed calm, as if he expected this, and Niles was grateful. For a bad situation, this was the best possible outcome. Leo was tired but he seemed alright. He would be alright.

“As you wish.” Niles bowed slightly and turned to leave. At the doorway, he hesitated, looking back once more to Leo in bed.

“Goodnight Niles.”

“Goodnight.”

The door creaked shut, his lock clicked into place, the shadow of Niles boots hesitated in front of his door, then disappeared in the direction of his room. The moment Leo was sure Niles was gone and out of earshot, he crumbled.

How foolish of him to think Niles felt the same. Their relationship was strictly business. Niles' kindness was just him doing his job. It was nothing more than that. They were at most friends, although Leo was starting to think maybe he was only seeing that as well.

He tried and failed to stop the tears from filling his eyes and plopping onto his sheets. They overwhelmed his hands as he tried to wipe them away and slipped relentlessly past. It was a torrential downpour from his heart, his whole body shook with every breath, and he hoped that no living soul crossed his hallway to hear the sobs he couldn't hold back.

It had been so long since he cried in earnest. Perhaps that's why he cried so hard. It seemed like a lifetime of sadness he'd kept locked away poured out all at once. 

How could anyone ever love someone like him. Not even his own mother could. He was not someone that deserved such nice things. He wasn't like his sisters. He wasn't warm, he wasn't a source of light that lit up a room when he entered. He made people uneasy. People feared him. Niles at most respected him. He knew that much as he'd said so to him. Respect and love are not the same thing.

Love was foolish, irresponsible, reckless. It took a lot of time he didn't really want nor need to spend on it. He had a country to help. This was silly. It hurt, but maybe it was for the best. Niles had done him a huge favor. He had his answer. He knew what to do. They'd continue as usual, like nothing happened. 

He wondered how long it would take to feel normal. For these feelings to whither and die. The thought brought on a fresh wave of violent sobbing. He turned into his pillows to muffle the sound. He'd allow himself tonight to cry. He didn't think he had a choice in the matter, but it felt better to pretend that he did.

Hours passed and Leo eventually exhausted himself, falling into restless sleep. He had nightmares that under different circumstances would have been good dreams.

When morning came, he got ready like usual. He brushed his hair and washed his face. He looked at the letter on his desk and slipped it into a drawer. He didn't need to read it. There was nothing that wasn't made abundantly clear last night.

Finally, he stopped to look in his mirror. Despite some redness around his eyes. He looked fine. If anyone asked, he was just tired. Exhausted even. It wasn't a complete lie, nor was it the full truth. He'd say he was reading late. He'd say it for as long as it took. 

This was fine.

He took a deep breath, and turned to his door. 

He would be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry... I wasn't going to make it hurt so much but I was asked to not hold back.  
> If it helps, they get through it, but not at first. Nothing is really easy for them, but it does not mean that things are not worth it. They will get there!
> 
> It's technically the first part of a series for Leoniles weekend 2021! It took me a little longer than expected
> 
> also hi, i have not written a fic to publish in years. wowee. sorry!! its like this!!!!
> 
> If you want to feel worse, you can listen to this song that I have decided to make the title.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFFIar5FFwc
> 
> it wont make you feel better, but it is a good song.


End file.
